Nine Nights

The gender gap in parental capabilities is unacceptable. How come we praise men caring for their children and forget the women who do the same?

I did something most men will never do. Many, because competent doctors spare them the need. Others, because their partners are aware of their incompetence and the danger inherent in their inability to do what I did.

Shit happened, and I took care of my newborn daughter for nine of her first fifteen nights on earth. Every evening, we would pack our things and head home, where I would feed and care for all her needs until we could return to my wife in the morning.

It was tiring but not hard. Hard is hearing praise. Being told I am a great parent for the simple fact of caring for my daughter. Honestly, the commuting was the hard part. Caring for her was precious, beautiful, and meaningful. That anyone would praise me for simply loving my child says more about our failure as a society than about me.

Don't Get Me Wrong

I was exhausted. I was cranky. I felt I could not handle it. But all of these are things I would have felt had I been in the same room with my wife. One night, panicking, I called my mom at midnight, greeted her with the words: Mom, I need help. Look at the images I sent you. Thank God – or geography – for the eight-hour daylight delay between my home and my homeland. Within ten minutes, my mom sent me voice messages from doctors in Costa Rica. My daughter was fine. A simple false alarm that would have happened had I been alone or with my wife.

Solid Gold

The praise annoys me because it will never come close to the beauty that caring for my daughter brought. I was the first person ever to calm her. As her head banged with the pain of being "alive" (not that she was not before), I calmed her, I changed her, fed her, and a few days later spent nine nights with her. This experience will forever be with me: a certainty, a truth I am proud of. I was there. I loved, cared, and protected.

Counterfactuals

Would my wife get the same admiration had I been sick after she gave birth? I know, rhetorical questions are paternalistic, but this one feels necessary. Globally, most women need to take care of their households after birth. They spend countless hours alone caring for their child. They melt the fat in their breasts to feed their children, all while healing from the toll taken by childbirth. True, most men lack the privilege of long parental leave. But still, there is no comparable praise for the wonders mothers do every day.

Shame Shame Shame

Saying "my husband could never have done this" is an insult to your husband, not praise to me. I am proud that I took care of my daughter. But your praise diminishes it. I never aimed at being an average dad. Why would anyone want to be as good as the average man at caring for their children? The fact that most women accept that average is beyond my comprehension.

Hubris

I call it hubris. But it is within my agency to be better. During these nine nights, I never once thought I could not take care of my daughter’s needs. There was never a moment of doubt that she would be well cared for. She was not just okay. She was well: protected and loved at every moment. So please, do not congratulate me on my arrogance. Ask your men to be better.

Coda

Shit will happen. Preparation matters. As someone who went through this, let me give one piece of unsolicited advice.

If you do not have children and believe that your partner is unable to care for them in this way, break up with them. Leave them. Plain and simple. Let them remain childless.

Evolution exists for a reason. Do not reward the incapable with the beauty of parenthood. How else would they, and our society, learn to be better? Please, do not mate with incompetent humans.