I hate to say it, but I do. I accept it as loads of the good that has come into my life came from procrastination. But so did a lot of the bad. In fact, I tend to see procrastination as protection. I am afraid of who I could be.
My hyperfixations give me superpowers. I can learn to perform GOFAI or network analysis in a day or solve problems that plagued my mind for years on the way back from work during a Deutsche Bahn delay. If I were this productive every day, I would collapse. Indeed, I collapse after these days.
Quotes
"We don't have children to fulfill our dreams. Children allow us to let go of the dreams we were never meant to fulfill.". ― Abraham Verghese. The Covenant of Water
I collect quotes for a living. Most of my other chores are a side effect of these quotes. The above quote helped me articulate what changed as my daughter came to life. Below, I will share a few more along these lines.
Pile of Shame
Most ignorance is by choice you know. So ignorance is very telling for what really matters to people. ― Kim Stanley Robinson. Red Mars
As a doctoral student, I had a pile of books on my desk. This pile contained all the seminal books in management that I had bought and failed to read. As any TBR, it grew longer and longer. In the end, I started to call it my pile of shame. It takes me a semester to go over Coase, Arrow, Nelson & Winter, or Cyert & March. At this rate, books by Penrose, Pfeffer, Freedman, Porter, Perrow, and Rumelt might as well not exist.
In fact, I am afraid of what reading these books will do. I currently read Justice as Fairness by Rawls. I have stopped for months after every new page. I would laugh if it were not true.
Terror
The shame of one's powerlessness make all witnesses into enemies - Colson Whitehead
The side effect of collecting diverse forms of shame is a perpetual state of terror. Years ago, I killed my impostor syndrome (at least regarding research, teaching is something else). I have some arrogance that helps me survive the day-to-day. But deep down, I know I am not remotely capable of repeating what I have done in the past. Cortisol is a constant in my veins, leading me to delay what's next. These delays have cost me so much.
Joy
"You will always struggle with not feeling productive until you accept that your own joy can be something you produce. It is not the only thing you will make, nor should it be, but it is something valuable and beautiful."― Hank Green. A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor
Ultimately though. I am not my productivity. I am a person and I have responsibilities. As much as I like doing science. My family is my joy' my work a tool to care and protect us. And in focusing on this, my reading and quote collecting has been of immense help.
I can seldom feel compassion for myself. But in the myriads of universes that pass through my mind, I can feel joy, happiness, hope, and all forms of care for the (fake) people whose life stories I so carefully devour.
Worry
"One may say that worries are the only things one can make heavier just by thinking of them."―Brandon Sanderson. Tress of the Emerald Sea
The more I think of how much I need to do the worse things gets. I kept myself up at night, mussing over what I failed to do in the day and what I need to do next days. Interestingly media has helped. Through my doom scrolling I have stumbled upon something important.
Nostalgia
I grew up during Eminem's imperial phase. He sold almost a 100 Million CDs at the time. He broke the barriers for a cultural revolution. This year Mashall Mathers had comeback album. A set of songs sprinkled with major collaborations.
This week, I heard one that might change me. It is called Temporary. A song written to Hailey Jade, his daughter to be heard after his death. A song that helps me encapsulate a mantra I missed.
Rituals
"It's long overdue, I know that. But it is not something I needed to do until just now." ― Rupaul Charles. The House of Hidden Meanings
I used to say the Rosary on my drive to university. A lot has changed. I have no car now. I have zero faith in church or the God of Abraham. But as many who leave the church feel, there is a gap. A ritual that needs filling in. A gap that hurts to be seen.
I often call myself a believer in the religion of science. I say this because when I got corneal transplants, I did not hope Abraham's God will give me eyesight. I hoped the Doctor's hands and knowledge would. They did (so far). Yet, science has given me few mantras.
Eat a Frog
Whatever the work is, do it well—not for the boss but for yourself... Your real life is with us, your family. ― Toni Morisson
In his book Brian Tracy, gives the stupidly uncaring advice of eating a frog every morning. That way the worst thing in your day would have passed and then you can do the second worst without a thought. Productivity gurus follow this logic and promote initiatives that make us feel ashamed. We are stuck because we do not deep work. If we just did the Pomodoro technique, focus, had grit, all would be ok.
In truth, we might just need something to love. Something to care about more than the fear that our procrastination masks. A thing that is actually hurt by the proctection my procrastination tries to protect. True, my brain might break. from reading a book, or learning a new skill. But I will be ok and my family will be better off. That is what matters.
Love
Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.) - Walt Whitman. Song of Myself 51
Slim Shady, Eminem, and Marshal Mathers reside within the same person. A holy trinity of which I care for one Marshall. Marshal is a dad, a partner, a troubled soul. He reminds you that what you do is not who you are.
I am not a Latino married scientist. I am a person. I have a child, a wife, parents, a sister. But I am not a dad, a son, or a brother. I am myself. A self, I can define. A self I ought to love and care for. I am done collecting shame. I am done following advice from self help books, I am not a thing to improve. I am a person who deserves love.
The Person You Are
"If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?"― Rupaul Charles
I do not deserve to push myself through fire every day. To terrorize myself. I deserve to value who I am. Sure, I was once divorced and once fired from a job I loved. But these were things that happened and not the reasons why I have a job that can care for my family. Nor the reason why my wife chose to live with me. I am the reason why: me, myself, and I. No one else.
Am I Afraid of Death?
The truth is, I think what scares me the most Is not being able to say all the things I wanna say to you when I'm no longer here. Eminem & Skylar Grace. Temporary (Track 15. The Death of Slim Shady)
I used not to be afraid of death. After my life crashed in 2015, I felt I was given a new deal in life, and if I died, I was ok with it. Now, I cannot even comprehend how to feel like that. Death scares the hell out of me. Not the dying. But not being there for my family. I know they will be okay if I am gone. But ok is not enough.
My procrastination is a form of death. A choice to let my fear be bigger than what I need to do to conquer it. A way to choose fear over protecting my family. A way to purposefully place myself into mental and emotional slavery. And honestly fuck that.
CODA
Intentions do not change the impact - Sonora Reyes. The Lesbianas Guide to Catholic School
I often say that bravery is a trait seldom observed in men. This phrase used to lure me into quite the acceptance of fear and inaction. Not anymore. When I hear Temporary, I hear how short my time is to help my family. How my fear just helps itself and no one I love. It leads to my self-hatred and away from being able to love.
Do I believe things will change? They might. In contrast to the "Eat that Frog" bullshit, listening to Temporary has all the elements of the mantras I missed from back in the day I believed in the God of Abraham. It connects me with something I love, with something beautiful and true. Listening every morning can be a ritual I have lost since I started to decolonize my mind. Here is to hope.
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